Went to the courthouse today and filed for divorce. Shawn will be moving back to NJ on Dec 14th and it will be over. 11 years of history and 5 years of marriage gone. I am still not sure how I feel about it all. I know that we are both doing the right thing. Afterall we make much better friends than we do a married couple. But it's still sad really. I just wish things had been different for us.

I am going to go hide under my bed now.

I love my Mother-in-Law... I love my Mother-in-Law... I love my Mother-in-Law... I love my Mother-in-Law...

I must keep repeating this mantra to myself or else I will go crazy. So the scoop is my MIL is staying with us until the house she is going to rent down here is ready for her. Now the original plan was for her to stay in NJ until it was time for her lease to be up, which is the end of this month, but instead she wanted to come down early, like the beginning of this month, so we said ok and Shawn and I and our housemates all took her in, we have been nothing but nice and giving to her, letting her come in and take over the house, re-arranging things, Shawn has let her pull down a few of his posters as well as nick knacks, because she perceives them as evil. Apparantly everything in our home is evil. She is bi-polar and paranoid, definitly paranoid, she needs help but does not want to get it. She takes her medications when she feels like it, she openly defies the few things that we have asked of her. I am to the point that I want to throw her out of my home.... and that makes me sad. Shawn is at his wits end and I feel bad for him, because this is his mother.... sigh

So after spending the holidays sick and not really ever getting over it I was finally put in the hospital on Feb 22, 2009. I went in for difficulty breathing and severe fluid retention. I guess over the course of 2 months I had gained a lot of fluid and it happened in a way that I had no clue how much. The doctors initially thought I had congestive heart failure, they eventually mostly ruled that out, but other than the fact that I actually had pneumonia they are not sure why I gained so much fluid. In the course of the week that I was in the hospital I lost 71 lbs all in fluid. I am home now and feel much better, although I am still on oxygen here at home, especially at night and when I am out and about walking around, they say that it may take months for my lungs to heal fully. I am working harder at eating healthy, they took me off my insulin, because I was not needing it, so now I am controlling my diabetes with medication and diet, I have a physical therapist out to help me build up my endurance again. I am truly dedicated to losing weight and getting healthier.

So Shawn got me an early Christmas present, actually two. Heeeh We bought a new to us car, well actually its a mini van. Its a 2007 Chrysler Town and Country LS, it's red and pretty and it will be ours. Then the other gift he got me is a new musical keyboard so I can play and record my music, I am soooooo excited about this.

Sigh I can not wait for Christmas to be here.

As November is goming to it's middle, things are still going well for us. I am getting ready to take a girls vacation, myself, Jenn and Chelsea are all going to Mena, Arkansas for like five days, out in a cabin in the wilderness, among the fall foliage. Its going to be wonderful and beautiful and peaceful. I am going to relax and take lots of pictures and not worry about timelines and getting things done, just being at peace with myself and with nature. I want this to be somewhat of a spiritual journey. I want to get in touch with that part of myself and my beliefs that I have abandoned for so long. I want to just be, to regain some of what I have lost in myself over the last few years, I want to find me again. I hope that this trip will help, I hope that I can come home and be a better wife for Shawn, to make him happier. I want to come home and be ready to take care of him, better than I have in the last year.
Losing my mom took something out of me and I am hoping that this trip will help me find it again or at least touch it, replace it or something. I am tired of hurting all the time, I want to be happy again, I want to not feel the sadness and loss I have, I know it takes time to recover from losing your mother, but I need to be able to function, to have a life again.

Here is hoping that this will help me.

ahem... *clears throat* mememememememememeeeee

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOO YOUUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOOOOOOO YOUUUUUUUUUUU
HAPPY BIIIIRTHHDAAAAAYYYY SHAWNIEEEEEEE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Happy 29th My LOVE I hope that your day is wonderful...

Well it's not really raining, it's actually in the 80's here, its nic but I want fall to be here, you know cool outside and all. Sigh.. oh well. So Shawnie's birthday is Thursday, so I am trying to figure out what to get him.. (nope not gonna tell you hun) That and I am in the process of planning a girls trip for the week of the 13th, woot woot, then Shawn and I are going to plan a nice romantic weekend soon too, just have to figure out when. I am excited about the fact that we are both bringing in an income now and things are finally looking up for us, here is to a new year for us.

Hope all of you out there are doing good as well.

There seems to be a small light at the end of the tunnel. I applied in July for Disability. I have had a hard time finding a full time job and with all my medical conditions, Shawn and I had talked about it to see if I could get it. Well on September 30th a few days over two months from the day I applied I was approved for Disability. It comes at a time when we absolutly need the second income and at least it is going to be steady and reliable for the forseeable future.

Although it is a bit of a double edged sword as I am both happy I got it, we need the money and sad that the government says according to their rules I truly am disabled. Yah so my brother can go and be all pissed off now, that is what he told me, if they gave me disability that he would be pissed off. Yah well it beats not having a job or money. That and right now I qualify for SSI and medicaid on top of it. That is a huge relief off my back, ahh medical care, while its still not the best, its also not JPS healthcare.

So maybe there is a light there.

So after almost a month in the living room living as bit communal family we are finally in our home. It is nice to go to sleep at night in my room and feel secure. So we are in a "better" neighborhood, (that's another story)and its a beautiful home even with its quirks and flaws. We have a ghost cat in the attic, Jenn's cat Scooter went missing while the cats were living here without us, he and Stoffies, Chelsea's at decided to move into the attic and then the contractor said they'd both gotten out, so Stoffies was found after 2 1/2 weeks in the AC unit, a bit dehydrated and really pissy, but he is fine now. So Scooter we thought was gone for good, until one night we heard mewing from the attic, well the ceiling actually, and then they saw him in the attic, but he wont come down, so now we have a ghost cat running around up there.

We are still struggling financially, I have applied for disability and am keeping my fingers crossed that I will get mine as quickly as Kenneth did. It will help us immensley.

Ok so we are still living with Kenneth's parents at their house since ours still is not ready. We are trying to not be stressed out, but that is a lot harder said than done. I have been trying to not snap at anyone, well apparantly I messed that up today when I snapped at Shawn. I hate when it happens, but I am only human I guess. I think the stress got to everyone today as I think everyone was snapping at everyone else. Even the dogs are being snappish.I guess being cooped up in one room for over a week will do that to you, even if you are of the canine race.

Also there is still not much else completed on the new house, two of the wood planks in the dining room were laid, now he did repair the roof where Chelsea fell through, but again that was more his fault for letting the cats into the attic where they are all now hiding out, in 100 degree weather and no AC in the attic. So yah its been a very tough and rough week. Everyone has stuff to do except me, and I am bored out of my mind, at least we finally found my DS so I can do something.

Ok so we are technically between houses right now, we have moved the last of our things that we are taking out of the old house and moved it to the new house, where it is sitting in the front room (the green dragon office) or in the garage. We are currently staying with Kenneth's father and mother in their house, camping out on the living room floor with all our dogs.. Sigh.. so yah this is a true adventure. I am stressed out beyond belief, but we will manage some way somehow.

My therapist gave me a book this week when I saw her, on how to heal yourself. She also wants me to start a journal of things that have happened to me when I was a kid that I felt were a loss in my life. This should be interesting.

So right now I am trying to not stress out and feel like I am a burden to everyone in my life, here's to keeping my fingers crossed that I can keep it up.

Ok so we go look at the new house this weekend (on Saturday actually) and well very very little progress has been made on it, then we go by there today and absolutly nothing else has been done on it and there is no possible way for it to be ready for move in tomorrow or this week even, so again we are stuck having to figure out what we are going to do. So CD Kenneth's dad sticks up left nad right for the contractor saying he's doing the best he can blah blah wah wah wah... so yah Shawn and I are trying to not freak out (it's not working so well for me) We have absolutly no where to go, after I had a, I dont want to call it a fiht with my brother, but well t was more like he freaked out on me for no reason this weekend so we are not currently speaking to one another.

Basically I called him Saturday morning to see how he was doing and he started in on jobs and Shawn and I working and then he told me that Shawn was going to leave me because he was going to get tired of me and having to support me and was going to move back to New Jersey, I tired to ignore this comment, to which he started in on why I wasn't working and I told him that A) I was looking and have been sending out many many resumes and had no call backs and tha B) I have applied for disability to which he started to yell at me and tell me that he would be angry if I got disability for just having diabetes, to which I explained that I have more than just diabetes, that its uncontrolled, I have Hashimoto disease which is more disabling than anything and that I also have the stomach issues, to which he replied if you have these stomach issues then why haven't you lost more weight, now I have lost over 70lbs in the last year, not trying to lose just lost it, so what more does he want, he then told me that when I got tired of living like I am then I would wnat to work again and then I would stop making excuses, I hung up on him at that point, but the damage was already done.

Most people don't know what I would give to not have the health issues I have and to be able to go out there and work and do the things I love to do, like play sports and camp and hike and hell what I would not give to be able to stand up for more than just 5 minutes. I can't even stand long enough to cook a meal. TRhey don't realize how often I think about killing myself... how much life for them would be better if I were not here anymore... I dont have a life.. I exist.. and frankly I am tired of even that...

So tomorrow I will be homeless, I Am sure my mom is turning in her grave...then again maybe not... After all she made sure my brother was taken care of...

So our roommate Kenneth called the company that foreclosed on the house, they gave us an extension until the 10th of July, now I am a bit concerned about this as he did not get it in writing, it was a verbal promise, so they could still show up on the 3rd adn try to toss us out, not likely since the 4th is a holiday and they would have to get court documents on the 4th and since the courts are closed on the4th we should be ok until at least monday. We rescheduled the movers for the 8th, I am doubting though that the house will be ready even by then. I wish we could just have our own place...

OK, so with things going a bit more hectic than normal around here, what with us trying to get all of the things that are most important to us out of this house by the 3rd, we have scheduled a Uhaul for tomorrow as well as the Movers for the big furniture... We get the phone call last night from Kenneth's dad saying that Bobby the contractor was having a meltdown because our new place won't be livable by the 3rd. So we now need to "find a place to stay for a week or so", yah like that is going to be easy. He also tries to reassure us by saying "Bobby is in the same predicament you all are in so remember that" THE HELL HE IS!! He has a roof over his head. So I call my brother who has a big house, he has space and is willing to let Shawn and Chelsea and I stay there, but there is one problem, no Armaggedon or cats can come. So what I am just supposed to let the dog run loose somewhere or give her away, and Chelsea's cat too? I can't do that. I have given up or lost way f-ing to much in the last year and well the offer is for a few days if necessary, oh yah and we will be sleeping on the floor or air mattresses, which when you have two herniated dicks in your back are not conducive to sleeping at all.

So what are we supposed to do? Shawn's last paychecks had to go to bills so its not like we even have the money to board the dog and cat for a week and stay there, we will be lucky to have enough gas to get us around for the next few days, not to mention the car payment needs to be made and all of Shawns income now is internet based work and well without a home there is no internet, sometimes I wish I had a huge life insurance policy so I could just die and leave shawn with some money to move back to NJ and life his life, I hate not being able to work I feel so worthless at times and I know shawn wants me to go to a fast food place or a grocery store and try to get a job there, but I can't stand 5 minutes let alone 6-8 hours. I am filing for disablity, but that takes time and now we dont even have money for my prescriptions or my Dr visit on Thursday.

I wish that I had a hole I could crawl into and just wither away.

So we are close to having no choice but to move, as our landlords house was sold in foreclsure and we received notice that we have to be out by the 3rd of July. So most everything of ours is packed, just not quite sure where we will really be going, the new house is no where near being ready to move into and live in, but the movers are coming on Tuesday to move all the big furniture and Monday we are getting a Uhaul to move boxes and smaller things. So that is where we stand now.

I am trying really hard to not freak out about money, Shawn lost his full time job, well it was a combination of lost and him telling them to sit on it, but regardless he is only working about 10-12 hours a week on one contract job, have several resumes out and am hoping one of them comes through. The problem is Shawn's mom told him to take his time to find a job as he was the only one pulling in an income before, but the problem with that is that we have car payments and other bills that are due now and without much income we are screwed. If I could go work at a fast food place or a supermarket I would in a heart beat just to have an income coming in. I want to talk to him about it, but each time I try he gets frustrated and blows up at me, I understand he is stressed to, but how do I tell him, we will lose our car if we cant pay the payment by friday.

We were finally on the track to having all our bills caught up andextra money each month were were saving up to put down on our own house and now, we are back to trying to not have our account in the negative again, I'm not sleeping because I lay awake and worry about which bills are the most important right now, but on 150 a week there is not much we can pay. Especially when my meds are costing over 100 a month again... so yah.. I have a Dr appt on Thursday and I am going to have to cancel it cause we dont have the money for me to go and the problem is this is the same Dr that lowered my insulin and gave me a steroid inhaler and so my blood sugars are so out of control its crazy, so I am scared that I am going to end up back in the hospital again and I hate that.

But on a brighter note I have some great pics of Winston and Armaggedon and they always help keep me smiling.

Ahhh well here we are getting ready to move again, still dont have an official move date, which is a bit frustrating, but we are packing everything but the daily essentials right now because we dont want to get caught being tossed or locked out since the roommates house sold at auction, so not sure how much time we really have to get out. I am hoping that we will be able to move by next weekendbut not sure that its going to happen. Also we have no clue how we are going to get the furniture moved, because the landlords have no money for movers as we were promised they were going to pay for so yah.. again we are in trouble with moving.. sigh..

I a hoping things get better and I am hoping that we will be able to save up some money soon..

Ok so it's been a while.. wow where life has taken us.

We are getting ready to move AGAIN!! yah well the place we were living the landlords let the house get foreclosed on, so we hve less than 30 days to get out. We are moving into a different house that is owned by their parents and renting there, at least until we save up some money. My brother said that if we save up $1,000 he would buy a house in his neighborhood and rent/sellit to us. So we are saving up. We only have 900 more to go woot woot.. heeeh..

My health is up and down right now, my back is the worst its been in quite a while. I am also working on my diabetes, its getting better, but it still has a ways to go. I go to the Dr again on the 20th, then I will be filing for disability.

I am seeing a therapist in hopes of dealing with all the crap from thepast few years and mostly for dealing with my mom's death. My b-day was last week and well it was hard, its the first one without her and it was difficult to say the least.

We rented a cabin at Lake Whitney for the weekend to try to celebrate, but with our one roommate being an ass it was hard. But I did thouroughly enjoy the time that Shawn and I got to spend together, just hanging out it was awesome. He took the day off of work and we just had a good time. I was glad for it.

I am hoping that this year just gets better for us, hopefully we will be able to afford to get into our own place again this year and not have to stay here with the instability.

Wow I can not believe that it is already almost the Christmas holiday. I have not even begun to think about what we are doing. WE just got back a little over a week ago from Thanksgiving in New York. It was nice, we got to spend time with my mom's family and that was a good thing. I am ready to go back there, heck if we could find jobs there I would contemplate moving there, heck I have even been thinking about moving back to Jersey. At least there Shawn has his family and friends.

I guess the past few weeks are hard because I am used to doing so much holiday preparations with my mom and this year we are not even putting up a tree. Is it possible to skip Christams?

That is what I want to do, I want to hide under the covers until January.
I am finding it hard to want to do much of anything really. I come to the store, we dont sell anything so we sit here all day doing nothing. I go home I eat and I go to bed.

I sat down the other day and realized that I have lost some of the most important things, most of the most inmportant things in my life this year, I feel lost and alone.

I can not seem to do anything right with Shawn anymore, he seems frustrated or angry with me all the time, my roommates are always on edge and if I cry then Kenneth freaks out on us because he "feeds" off me, so in order to keep the peace at the house I have to keep my emotions bottled up... I hate that..

I sit there at times and I wish it had been me that died not my mom.. because I think people would be happier with that, I know my brother would have been.

I contemplate it at times, I do. What else do I have? I am all alone now.

So on August 3rd we opened the store. WE have advertised and advertised and we have repeat customers, but it's just not enough. We are struggling and well it looks like Novemeber will be our last month in business, unless November brings great things, financially we can not remain here. I do not know what to do. I am gong to try to sell the business first, not sure that will happen but I can try.

I dont want to be a failure, I wanted to make my mom proud. I guess that will never happen now.

WEll it has been three weeks since my mom passed away and it still feels so fresh and new to me. I think I am now coming out of the shock I was in at losing her so quickly. I just know that when I think about her that all I can do is cry and then the past three days I have been having an anxiety attack, at least that is what my doctor thinks it is, without having me come in and see her. It sucks cause I dont have health insurance right now and even if it were something medical I could do nothing about it, so that seems to add to the anxiety.

When I lost my dad in 1993, it was hard, but I dont remember it being this hard, maybe that was because my mom was still there and I still felt the security I had with her. Now I don't have that security, I have my brother, but I worry that I am causing him more stress cause he worries about me. It's a neverending cycle right now.

Shawn and I are having some issues, I know that I am snapping a lot and I am trying not to, but he asks me what seems like every 5 minutes what's wrong and he is not the only one doing that, everyone is and I want to look at them all and say "what the hell do you think is wrong?!" I know they are not uncaring peple and I know they are smart, but come on do we need to continuiously remind me of the fact that yes I am down and depressed? I am sorry that I dont feel like smiling.. would you? Maybe some people would be, but I dont. I miss my mom so much I feel like a whole chunk of my heart is gone and missing.

I know in time the pain will ease and I will learn to deal, but right now it feels like I have no control and for me the contorl freak, this is a very bad feeling.

I hope it starts to get better soon.